


The Revenge of Turd Sandwich

by MorningStorm



Category: South Park
Genre: Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Elections, F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 11:03:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4098631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorningStorm/pseuds/MorningStorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cartman isn't going to lose an election to Kyle this easily. Even after the mascot was changed back to the cows, he still wants to prove that Turd Sandwich is far superior to Giant Douche. Rated T for language. Takes place just after the episode "Douche and Turd" from Season 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Starting a Petition

**Cartman's POV**

I don't take kindly to failing, to losing. Especially losing that much. Fourteen hundred and ten to thirty-six? Are you fucking kidding me? And I _especially_ don't take kindly to losing to Kyle. Fuck Kyle. His sneaky Jew ethics must have corrupted the majority of the school's population during that election. How else could my brilliant and far more original idea of a _Turd Sandwich_ as a mascot lose to that boring-ass idea of a _giant douche_? I'm so seriously, giant douche is so unoriginal and Kyle's a giant douche for thinking it's so fucking great and GODDAMNIT I HATE HIM SO MUCH!

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I know the election is over and it didn't matter because we didn't end up changing the mascot anyway, but Kyle and his giant douche are getting away with this over my dead body. If I can get enough people on my side, then I might have a chance at reopening the election and getting the mascot changed. I've got my work cut out for me though. Kyle's going to do everything in his power to stop me and get a giant douche to be the mascot. That would be so fucking weak. But I have to take that risk if I want any chance at _beating_ Kyle and getting the hilariously awesome Turd Sandwich to be our new mascot.

The first thing I need to do is get some signatures. I gather my clipboard and bring it into school the next day with a petition to change the school's mascot to a Turd Sandwich. The first person I go to is Butters.

"Turd Sandwich is the right choice and we're stickin' with it, right Butters?" I ask him, my tone persuasive.

"Yeah!" he replies, enthusiastically signing his name on the first line.

The second person I go to is Stan. He may be loyal to Kyle as a best friend, but I at least trust that he will make the right decision in this case.

"Ah, Stan, nice to see you," I greet him.

"What do you want today, Cartman?" he asks me.

"Do you know what Turd Sandwich can do for our school, Stan? Make no mistake; giant douche had no business winning that election! Can I perhaps interest you in my petition?"

"I'm not sure," Stan replies.

"Well then," I say digging into my pockets and pulling out a small piece of candy, "Can I interest you in… a butterscotch candy?"

He eagerly takes it from my hand and unwraps it.

"Well, I did learn that most elections are between a douche and a turd. And I guess I usually prefer the turd," he says, chewing on the butterscotch.

My second signature is complete. I need one hundred before I can take my case to the school president. Only thirty-six people voted for me and I already have two of their signatures. And I don't know who the other thirty-four are. That's no problem though. With some simple computer hacking and record checking, I can find their names and classes. After I do, I find out that most of them are kindergartners and first graders, people too young to know what a douche is or what its purpose is. I guess somewhere along the line, my classmates lost their way and came to believe that douches are somehow better than poop humor. It's totally weak.

I'm able to get all their signatures by the end of the day, bringing my count to thirty-six. Now how to get sixty-four more? I start with Kenny. He won't listen to reason, but he's such a poor piece of crap that I'm able to _buy_ his signature and his vote for two dollars. Half now and half after he votes for me to ensure that he doesn't weasel out of the deal later. Now I have thirty-seven signatures and seem to have reached a dead end. It's okay, the power of manipulation will see me through this. My manipulation is justified. I'm just trying to lead everyone back down the right path after they've been corrupted by the Jew.


	2. Kyle Finds Out

**Kyle's POV**

Stan, Kenny, and I are hanging out at my house, in my room after school. It's nice to be with them and not have fatass around. Who the hell knows what he's up to? But I'm not complaining. Yet.

"So, what's new with you guys?" I ask, trying to get a conversation going.

"Not much," Stan tells me, "Cartman just won't quit with the whole turd sandwich thing."

"What?" I ask slightly concerned, "He lost the election last week. And they aren't changing the mascot anymore!"

"Well, he was going around with a petition today, trying to get people to sign it."

"Like anyone would do that," I laugh a bit, feeling relieved. But that relief fades when Kenny speaks up.

"He got thirty-seven signatures today," Kenny mumbles, "Or at least that many, I was number thirty-seven. Maybe he got more afterwards."

"Damn!" Stan is shocked, "I was only number two. I didn't think he'd get very far."

Kenny laughs that Stan said he was "number two." I am in no mood to laugh as I feel the anger building up inside of me.

"Why the hell would you guys sign his turd sandwich petition?!" I ask, feeling betrayed, "I thought you were my friends!"

"Well, he gave me a free butterscotch candy," Stan says, "I didn't think he'd get far. I didn't think I was doing you any harm."

"He gave me a dollar," Kenny says, "And he might give me another one."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Betrayed by my own friends for butterscotch and a dollar? There's no time to dwell on it. I have to act now and prevent Cartman from winning. His manipulative ways are infectious and I don't want the entire school convinced that his idea of a turd sandwich is better than my idea of Giant Douche.

I quickly type up a petition on my computer to change the school's mascot to a Giant Douche and print it out. Does the school have a rule about signing conflicting petitions? I'm unsure, but I don't think so.

"Well, the least you guys can do is sign my petition too, if you're gonna help Cartman," I say to Stan and Kyle.

"Fine," Stan says, signing my petition.

"Just don't tell Cartman," Kenny says, "Otherwise I might not get that other dollar."

They've both signed my petition now. I just have to get ninety-eight more signatures tomorrow at school. It shouldn't be too hard. After all, the vast majority of the school liked my idea in the first place. I just have to get their signatures before Cartman convinces them otherwise. Of course, if both Cartman and I reach one hundred signatures in time, there will be even more trouble. A whole new election. I can't risk losing to that fatass, I've got to beat him, no matter how much work it takes.


	3. The Game is On

**Cartman's POV**

I still need sixty-three more signatures. I've got my work cut out for me today. But winning isn't always easy. With my sales pitch and my trusty bag of butterscotch candy I hope to win over at least sixty-three people today. I start with the Goth kids, whom I have never spoken with before. This is going to be a pain in the ass, but I might as well get it out of the way first. I approach them at the back of the school. It's about ten minutes before the actual school day starts.

"So, you guys think that the world is shit, right? That life is shit?" I ask them.

"Yeah pretty much," says the curly haired one with the big nose. I don't know their names, nor do I fucking care.

"Well, what if I told you that we could stick it to all the conformists by changing the school's mascot to a Turd Sandwich?" I ask intently.

"That sounds stupid as hell," says the one with red dye in his hair, "Why don't you fuck off?"

I grit my teeth. Normally I don't tolerate this shit, but I have to be nice to these assholes in order to get some signatures.

"But Turd Sandwich is the unpopular choice," I begin, "Everyone will be pissed off because the conformists want giant douche and not Turd Sandwich. You can help show them what a shitty world we live in."

"Alright," says the only girl in the group.

They all sign my petition. Now I've got four more signatures and still a long way to go. And my situation is only about to get harder because when I walk into school, I see Kyle walking around getting signatures for his stupid giant douche. I should have waited until last to get Stan and Kenny's signatures. It figures that the Jew would find out about my plan through them. I walk over to Kyle and confront him. I'm really pissed off.

"What the FUCK, Kyle?!" I ask, "You still think your stupid giant douche is better than Turd Sandwich? Well you're wrong, you stupid Jew!"

"Shut up fatass," he retorts, "You're gonna lose even worse than last time. You can't just let it go, so now I'm really gonna kick your ass if there's another election!"

I'm so seriously, if I didn't have to get fifty-nine more signatures, I would've kicked Kyle's ass right there. But I didn't have any time to waste.

"You're on Jew-boy! I've already got way more signatures than you!"

"I can get signatures a lot faster than you fatass!"

"We'll see about that!"

We walk away from each other, both determined to get more signatures.

I spend my day going around to various classes in school, relaying my sales pitch for Turd Sandwich to them, drawing diagrams that show how much more funny and original it is compared to giant douche, and giving each class a large bowl of butterscotch candy. I'm not winning over everyone from each class, but I'm getting at least half of them each time to sign my petition. Even a few teachers sign my petition.

At the end of the day, I have eighty-eight signatures. I approach Kyle in the hallway after school before we leave to gloat about it to his stupid Jew face.

"Ha! I already have eighty-eight signatures!" I say, pointing at him.

"I already got a hundred and ten fat boy!" he says. I can't fucking believe it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I say, "This has to be bullshit. How do you get signatures so much faster?"

"I guess people just think giant douche is funnier," he replies.

"This ain't over Kahl! Not by a long shot!" I yell at him and storm off. He's not going to win as easily as he thinks he is. Not only will I turn in my petition by tomorrow after school, but when I do, it will have over two hundred signatures. I'm stepping my game up.


	4. Kyle and Wendy

**Kyle's POV**

Fatass should be feeling frustrated right about now. I get enough signatures for Giant Douche in less than a day and he still has to work hard to get more signatures for his stupid turd sandwich. All that's left for me to do is go to the class president's office and turn in my petition.

Wendy is our class president and her office is guarded by her three best friends, Bebe, Red, and Heidi. It's their job to make it harder for people who Wendy doesn't like to get into her office and get their petitions approved. That's an advantage for me. They don't dislike me, but they should make it harder for fatass to get past them if he ever gets enough signatures.

"Hey," I greet them, "Can I see Wendy? I have a petition I would like to submit."

"Sure Kyle," Bebe says, "Anything for you."

She tries to give me a hug. I shrug her off. I'm so sick of Bebe hitting on me. When will she realize that I'm just not interested?

I walk into Wendy's office. She is sitting behind a desk with a small lamp on it, filling out some papers.

"Hey Wendy."

"Oh, hey Kyle, what do you need?" She asks in a friendly tone, a bit surprised to see me.

"I have this petition," I place it on her desk, "To change the school mascot to a Giant Douche."

"Really, this again?" Wendy says disappointed and a bit confused.

"Look, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for Cartman still trying to change the mascot to a turd sandwich," I explain.

"Oh, I see, trying to beat Cartman," Wendy said, "In that case if Cartman somehow gets his petition through to me, I'll have to accept it by rule if it has enough signatures and then there will be another election for the mascot. But I will help you with your campaign."

Wendy smiles at me, but I look away shyly. I thank her for her generous offer. She explains that Cartman has until the end of the week to get his petition to her.

"Well, I guess I'll be on my way now," I tell her.

"If you need anything, just ask," Wendy tells me.

Before I leave, she gets up and gives me a hug.

"Wow, uh, thanks," I say looking away.

"You're, um, a really good friend Kyle. I wanna help you take Cartman down," She tells me.

After I get out of her office, I feel my heart racing, but I can't quite understand why. I re-focus myself. I have to plan my next move carefully in case Cartman manages to get enough signatures to challenge me in another election.


	5. Eric Cartman: Ladies Man

**Cartman's POV**

I need to increase the quality of my Turd Sandwich presentations today. I do this by doubling the size of my butterscotch candy bowls and adding a PowerPoint presentation to my speech about why students should sign my petition. Getting two hundred plus signatures won't be easy, but it will add some strength to my campaign and increase the number of people likely to vote for me.

After giving my upgraded presentation to the first few classes, things seem to be going well. About eighty percent of the kids I present to are signing my petition. I continue giving presentations throughout the day and by the end of the day I have…

Two hundred and thirty-two signatures! More than _twice_ as many as Kyle. He's going down. All I have to do is get the petition to the president's office and turn it in. Then the next election is on. I feel dread and annoyance as I approach Wendy's office. I have to get past her friends first. They won't let in people she doesn't like unless said people have a very good reason. I hate Wendy. Why does she get her own office _just because_ she's the author's favorite character? It's ridiculous, but right now I have to formulate a plan just to get Bebe to _let_ me see Wendy. If I can get Bebe on my side, I can get the rest of the girls on my side as well. Except Wendy, as much as I hate her, she's probably the hardest person to manipulate into my view of things. Even harder than Kyle.

"Hello, how are you fine ladies doing today?" I ask them, using a similar tone to my sales pitch.

"What the hell do you want, fatass?" Bebe asks as she, Heidi, and Red glare at me.

"I have a petition I would like to submit to the president," I explain, keeping my cool.

"Well, we're not letting you through, we don't like you," Bebe says.

"Bebe, why don't I have a word with you in private real quick?" I ask.

Bebe glances at Heidi and Red, who look confused before answering "Fine."

I lead her around a corner in the hallway where no one else is hanging out.

"What?" she asks me, irritated.

"Look Bebe," I begin, "How about I take you out for a nice dinner tonight, all expenses covered on me. If it goes well, maybe you let me through tomorrow."

"Did you just ask me out on a date?" Bebe says, bewildered.

"Not exactly," I say, "I'm just doing something nice for you so you'll do something good for me in return!"

Bebe rolls her eyes, "Fine, but you better buy me a damn nice dinner, fatass. And don't hog all the food for yourself."

"Damn it Bebe," I scold her, "I'm tryin' to be cool about this, so stop callin' me fat, you bitch!"

"Whatever," she shrugs me off, "What fucking time tonight?"

"Six thirty."

"Remember," she looks at me hard, "It better be a damn nice dinner and you better not tell ANYONE about it."

I give her a long hard look and I walk away.

At six thirty I knock on Bebe's door and tell her mother I'm here to see her. She comes out wearing a nice dress.

"Why the hell are you wearing that?" I ask.

"Because I have to look nice if I'm going out in the evening!" She retorts, "God, haven't you ever been on a date before?"

"Damn it, Bebe! It's not I date, I'm bribing you with a nice dinner you stupid ho."

"Whatever, where are we going?" she asks.

"Buca De Faggoncini." It's the same restaurant where I once attempted to help Jimmy get laid. One of the finest and fanciest restaurants in town.

We walk down the street side by side.

"You better be able to pay for this dinner," Bebe says.

"I got two hundred bucks in cash," I say, showing her the money.

"Seems good enough."

I figure if I want to effectively bribe Bebe into letting me into Wendy's office, I should at least try to be nice to her, as much as I hate doing so.

When we get to Buca De Faggoncini, I open the door for her and pull out her chair so she can sit down. A waiter soon comes to our table to greet us. After telling him what we want to drink, he gives us some fresh bread. I start eating some of it after he leaves.

"Hey, save some for me, fatass!" Bebe scolds me.

"Fine, but don't call me fat!"

After a few minutes of silence I try to strike up a conversation with her.

"So… What do you wanna talk about?" I ask.

"Well, you know that girl Jenny Simon?" Bebe begins, "I can't stand her."

Bebe starts going on about the girls at school that she doesn't like. I'm not listening but when she finally shuts up I respond with "That's very interesting. Please tell me more."

"Wow, you're actually interested in what I have to say?" Bebe seems surprised.

"Uh, sure," I reply, "Please go on."

Bebe goes off on a tangent about how she thinks girls should behave with their friends and how the girls she doesn't like behave differently. That's the gist of it, as I'm not paying close attention. When she shuts up again I respond with "How inciteful!"

"Thank you," Bebe says before going off again for a final time. At this point our meal has already arrived and we're about halfway done.

When Bebe stops talking again I say "Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right."

"Wow, thanks Cartman, I never thought you'd be such a good listener," Bebe responds.

"Well, I'm trying to win an election and I have to listen to the people in order to give them what they want and to learn how to make them want Turd Sandwich as their mascot."

"It is a better idea than giant douche," Bebe concedes.

"I'm glad you see it my way," I say. We seem to be getting along better now. Dare I say I'm almost _enjoying_ my time with Bebe. _Almost._

"Kyle's such a dick," Bebe says, "Not only is Turd Sandwich better than giant douche, but Kyle just isn't nice to me. I tried to be his girlfriend. He wouldn't let me. I tried to be his friend. He wouldn't let me. I wanna help you take him down a notch."

She just criticized the hell out of Kyle. Now I'm _definitely_ enjoying my time with Bebe.

After I pay the check we leave and sit together for a few moments in the parking lot. Bebe speaks up.

"Cartman, I know that wasn't supposed to be a date, but… I just never knew how cool you could be."

"Uh, Thanks," I say nervously, "And hey, you look really nice tonight."

I expect her to nervously thank me as well, but instead I am, to my pleasant surprise, met by a passionate kiss.

"Cartman, I like you," Bebe says plainly, "You were right about Kyle all along. I wanna be your girlfriend, not his."

"Yeah, he's a stupid Jew," I tell her, not knowing what else to say.

Do I want to be in a relationship with Bebe? Well, she's hot and she hates Kyle now, so I can't see why the answer wouldn't be yes.

"Alright Bebe," I say, "I'll be your boyfriend."

"Great, and as head cheerleader, I'll get the rest of the cheerleaders on the side of Turd Sandwich!" She winks at me.

"That will be great," I exclaim, "Then the cheerleaders can show their support for Turd Sandwich at the assembly preceding the election!"

"You can count on it," Bebe tells me.

I put my arm around her, and we sit there cuddling in the cool evening air for a few more minutes before I walk her home. My new girlfriend is safely home around eight o'clock. I walk home, feeling even better about my chances of besting Kyle and his giant douche in the election.


	6. Bebe's Chapter

**Bebe's POV**

The school day has just ended and Cartman has asked that I turn his petition into Wendy for him. He believes that it is best that he and Wendy interact as little as possible due to their inability to get along. Before I turn it in, I'll take the time to talk to Heidi and Red outside of Wendy's office so that they can help me get all the other cheerleaders on Cartman's side and support Turd Sandwich. I worry about how Heidi and Red will react knowing that I went out with Cartman, but as the head cheerleader, I feel that I can persuade most of the girls in the school to see things my way.

"Hey guys," I greet my two friends.

"Oh hey Bebe, you're a little late today," Heidi says.

"Yeah, well I'm just turning in Cartman's petition for him," I tell her, "I was just talking to him and he doesn't want to deal with Wendy right now since they don't get along well."

"Why are you helping that fat fuck?" Red asks, puzzled.

"Well," I'm a bit anxious about their reaction, "He took me on an amazing date last night."

"WHAT!" Heidi and Red exclaim in unison.

"I know, I know," I say trying to calm them down.

"He's fat and he's a total asshole, how could you even?" Heidi says, dumbfounded.

"Have you lost it, Bebe?" Red asks.

"Actually, he treated me better than any other boy I ever went out with," I tell them, "He took me to a fairly expensive restaurant and walked me home afterwards."

"You're talking about Eric Cartman?" Red asks.

"Yeah."

"For Real? You're absolutely certain?" Heidi asks.

"Yeah," I answer again, "You could say we're sorta together now."

I stare down and fiddle my fingers, anxiously awaiting my friends' response.

"Wow," Heidi says, "I never knew that about Cartman."

"Yeah," Red says, "Well, Turd Sandwich is better than giant douche after all."

"Great, so then you'll help get the other cheerleaders to support Cartman and Turd Sandwich at the assembly?" I ask.

"I guess so," Heidi answers.

"Yeah," Red says, "Cartman's so creative and smart, thinking of a Turd Sandwich."

"Yeah and it's funny too," Heidi says, "Cartman's funny. And he's not fat at all."

"Yeah, he's the best," I add, "And all mine!"

"You're so lucky Bebe," Red says.

"I'm jealous as hell," Heidi adds.

"Don't worry," I tell them, "You'll find your own Eric Cartman someday. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to turn this petition into Wendy."

I walk past them and into the door of Wendy's office. I see her working on something, probably to help Kyle with his giant douche campaign. Now comes the hard part, explaining to Wendy that I'm going to be campaigning against her and Kyle and helping Cartman. I hope our friendship can withstand it.

"Uh, here Wendy, I have Cartman's petition," I say walking up to her and handing her the petition.

"Okay, guess I have to accept it," Wendy says, "But why are you helping him by turning it in?"

"Well, um, I'm working with him," I tell her.

"But why?"

"Well, it's because," I pause, "I'm his girlfriend now."

"What?!" Wendy can't belive what she's hearing.

"Well, he took me out on a really nice date last night-"

Wendy grabs me and looks me dead in the eyes.

"Bebe I don't know what's gotten into you," she says, "But I'm working with Kyle to promote giant douche for the school mascot. You're still my best friend, but I don't think we should talk again until _after_ this election is over."

"Okay, so you have the petition then," I say.

"Yeah, yeah," She says, "I'll talk to you again in a couple weeks when this is all over."

She hugs me and I leave. Despite what she said about us still being best friends, I'm worried about this election costing me her friendship. I shake the thought from my head. She knows as well as I do that sacrifices must be made when you're trying to prove whether Turd Sandwich or giant douche is the superior candidate to represent you and your school.


	7. The Assembly

**Kyle's POV**

It's only a few days until the election for the school's new mascot. Posters now line the school's hallways, some supporting Giant Douche and others supporting turd sandwich. Cartman seems to be getting more and more help each day, but the only people working on the Giant Douche campaign are Wendy and me. I guess on the plus side, I've really enjoyed working with Wendy. She's really smart, and beautiful too. I think I like her, but she is Stan's ex, so I keep these feelings to myself.

I have confidence that Wendy and I can win this thing and defeat Cartman's turd sandwich. We are, after all, the two smartest kids in school.

As I'm thinking all of this over, Wendy comes running up to me and gives me a hug. We've become really close friends since we've been working together. When she gives me a hug, I can feel my heart race again.

"Hey Kyle," Wendy smiles intently at me, "The assembly is in two days, we have to prepare our presentation for Giant Douche."

"Well, Wendy, I was thinking we could have you give a speech, explaining why our mascot is better," I tell her, "You're the best in the school at giving speeches."

"What should the main point of my speech be then?"

"Well, since you're a feminist," I begin, "We could explain how Giant Douche will bring gender equality to our school since douches are feminine objects. And you know, we can use it against turd sandwich by saying that turd sandwich is just typical frat boy humor."

"You know, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right, Kyle," Wendy responds, "How insightful!"

Over the next few days, Wendy and I work on the fine points of her speech. I just hope we can put together a better presentation than Cartman.

The assembly is held in the gym as usual. Our presentation is first. I give Wendy a hug for good luck and take my seat in the bleachers. I admire her ability to get up in front of the whole school and talk about our candidate. She shows such passion in her support for Giant Douche.

After Wendy is done giving her speech she comes to the bleachers and takes her seat next to me, seeming happy to do so. Now is the part where I get nervous as it's time for fatass to give his presentation. I hope it's not very good.

To my unpleasant surprise, it is. Cartman has loud music playing as he comes out with cheerleaders and a person dressed as a turd sandwich. Turd sandwich takes the microphone.

"We've got spirit, yes we do, we are sandwiches filled with poo!"

The cheerleaders surround Cartman and cheer for him.

"Eric Cartman, he's our man, came up with the turd sandwich plan."

When they're done cheering, Cartman grabs Bebe and the two of them start making out. Every girl in the school except Wendy is going crazy for Cartman and the whole auditorium is cheering for him. I never thought this was possible. How can all the cheerleaders be swooning for Cartman? How can the whole school be loving him? I feel a sick feeling in my stomach. I glance over at Wendy and it looks like she's feeling the same way. Cartman takes the microphone now.

"A vote for turd sandwich is a vote for the most epic skewl in the world," he says.

Cartman's presentation wraps up in under two minutes, but the whole school loves it. Wendy and I exchange worried glances as everyone around us cheers loudly for Cartman and turd sandwich. The election is tomorrow and things aren't looking good for Giant Douche.


	8. The Results

**Cartman's POV**

It's the day of the election and Bebe and I are eagerly awaiting the results after we have both cast our vote for Turd Sandwich. I see Kyle and Wendy waiting on the other side of the gymnasium. God, I hate them so much, I want so badly to have my _revenge_ on Kyle for winning the last election. And I wouldn't mind taking that bitch Wendy down a peg either.

Soon it's time to tally up the votes. Mr. Mackey is in charge of counting the ballots. It takes about an hour to count them and recount them to confirm the results.

"M'kay, Turd Sandwich has fourteen hundred and eleven votes and giant douche has thirty-five," he announces to the school. I can see that Kyle is upset.

"YEAH!" I shout running over to him, "I beat you, you stupid Jew." I point my finger in his stupid Jew face.

"Fuck you too, Wendy, I beat you this time bitch!" I yell, celebrating. Kyle doesn't know what to say and Wendy puts her hand on his back to comfort him. They look so defeated! It's wonderful.

Bebe walks over to us.

"Serves you right Kyle," she says vindictively, "Sorry Wendy."

Bebe frowns because Wendy is her best friend. Oh well, things will work themselves out between those two, but I don't really care because Turd Sandwich won! The whole school erupts into cheers as the mascot is changed to Turd Sandwich, except for the few assholes who voted for giant douche.

"We've got spirit yes we do, we are sandwiches filled with poo!" This cheer echoes throughout the gymnasium and the school. Kyle storms out the door in a huff. I start making out with Bebe. This is the best day of my life.


	9. Kyle's Epilogue

**Kyle's POV**

I storm out of the school in a huff, feeling extremely upset. How could I lose to Cartman and his stupid turd sandwich? I don't stop until I'm a block away from the school. I don't want Cartman looking out the window and taunting me while I feel like this. I sit on the curb of the sidewalk and bury my hands in my face. I'm just so angry and stressed out about how I'm going to deal with Cartman gloating about this for (probably) weeks on end.

I hear footsteps behind me and they stop just in back of me. Cartman must have followed me here to gloat about it right now. He just couldn't wait.

"So you got the mascot changed to a piece of shit, Cartman," I say, "Big deal, now fuck off."

"It's not Cartman, it's me," Wendy's voice says.

I immediately get up and turn around to give her a hug.

"Oh Wendy, thank god!" I say, "Sorry I thought you were Cartman."

"If that fatass had been walking, you'd have heard him a lot sooner," Wendy gives me a weak smile and a small laugh and I do the same.

"Kyle," she says more seriously, "I'm sorry we lost. But… I just wanted to tell you that, well… I like you as more than a friend. I was wondering if maybe… You felt the same?"

A big smile comes across my face, "Yes Wendy," I tell her. We embrace each other and share a kiss. I run my hands through Wendy's beautiful black hair. We hold each other tightly on this cool autumn day.

"I love you," I tell Wendy after we pull away, holding both her hands and staring into her eyes.

"I love you, too," She says, giving me a tight hug before pulling away to suggest "Let's go for a walk together, just the two of us."

I take Wendy's hand and we start heading further from the school. Let Cartman win his stupid election. I just won the best girlfriend in the world.


End file.
